I’ve been putting off writing, and publishing, anything about how the Coronavirus Pandemic has affected me. Partly because I’m riding an emotional rollercoaster and partly because of how vulnerable I feel. But I think I’m ready now.

In The Beginning…Stage 1

Like many, I felt blindsided by the Pandemic.

In the “before”, I avoided the news. Every now and then someone would tell me about a big event or news story, but otherwise I was fairly oblivious. I hadn’t even heard of “The Coronavirus” until late February. It felt like some far away threat until a few weeks later.

In early March I was finishing up a training program and our last speaker ended up presenting online instead of in-person. I was so pissed. All the previous talks that had been online were not nearly as good as the in-person ones. I had paid decent money for this training and wanted my money’s worth.

That’s when someone mentioned “The Coronavirus” and that’s why the speaker was presenting online. It makes a lot of sense now looking back. The speaker would have come from near Seattle, which was starting to become a hotspot. Looking back I’m glad he didn’t come present in-person, but at the time I was just annoyed.

After that, I did start reading the news. This was early in the Pandemic, so the virus seemed to only be affecting older people. I was annoyed people were making such a big deal of this. We have the flu, right? This doesn’t seem much different.

Shit Starts To Get Real…Stage 2

That same week my partner was told to start working from home. The next week my kids were sent home and began online schooling. That’s when it started to get real for me.

Instead of avoiding the news, I was now a news junkie. I couldn’t get enough. Every morning I’d start my day watching yesterday’s PBS Newshour. All my spare time was spent reading various articles online about what seemed to be going on.

In this time, my annoyance quickly morphed into fear. The virus was spreading rapidly and killing more and more people. We knew so little about it and how to protect ourselves. Every week something changed until our lives looked completely different than they had only a month ago.

I also thought about the potential risk to my family. Months earlier we rushed my son to the hospital to have his appendix removed. At the ER there were signs asking if you had been to China recently, but no other indication about the Pandemic to come. We were in the hospital just under 2 days, but I came down with something very odd not long after, then again with the same type of thing, only worse, a month later. Were we infected with the Coronavirus at the hospital? Did we pick it up somewhere else? Did I just get hit with some weird flu?

The probability was low, but every little sniffle, sneeze, or cough could bring something terrible. I was sick for at least a week during this time, but was terrified to go to my doctor or even leave the house. Luckily I pulled through with just some lingering fatigue, but to this day I wonder - was it COVID-19?

Stage 2 for me was filled with fear and worry. I rarely left my house and was terrified each time I, or my partner did. In this stage I watched a lot of tv, read, and drank more than my usual amount of alcohol. Life was changing so drastically and I didn’t know what to do.

A Tipping Point…Stage 3

My attitude finally began to shift one day. It was a tough day and 5 o’clock started around 11am on that particular day, so by noon I was a bit knockered. The kids had gone outside to play and I was in bed rewatching favorite tv shows.

Suddenly I got a text from my neighbor - “Your dog just stopped by my back door to say hi. Thought you should know.”

Crap, the dog had gotten out!

In my still hazy stupor, I quickly put shoes and a sweater on. I walked outside and noticed the garage door - the kids must have opened it to grab some toys and the dog just walked out. I went to that neighbor’s house, but the dog had moved on by then. I ran into a few other neighbors during my search and asked, from a distance, if they’d seen my dog. Eventually someone drove by and said they saw her just up the road.

Everything turned out fine. I got the dog back and went home. What was weird was how incredibly terrified and anxious I felt - and not about my dog. Just seeing my neighbors filled me with fear. Did I get too close to them? Would I get them sick? Would they get me sick?

I was terrified to be around anyone outside my home.

My fear of the virus was crippling me. I couldn’t enjoy simple things like saying hi to a neighbor or going for a walk around the neighborhood. The fear and terror was slowly paralyzing me. Until that moment, I didn’t realize how much it had affected my life.

This was my tipping point. Talking with my partner, we discussed my fears and how I can’t protect us from everything. Trying to protect all of us from an outside fear was damaging me mentally and emotionally.

There were risks with being around other people, but I could help mitigate them. I could stick to what felt comfortable and do my best to protect myself and the people I was around.

I decided I’d feel comfortable taking a walk with one of my neighbors as long we both wore masks and kept a decent distance. I asked my neighbor and she thought it was a great idea.

My world had felt so out of control. This little act was one step to start regaining some of that control. It turned out to be just the thing I needed.

After that first walk with my neighbor, I felt lighter and stronger. I started feeling like I could handle all these new fears and this new world we lived in. I remembered how good it felt to talk with others - even from a distance - and how much I needed it.

This virus had completely changed my life, but I could adapt. I could carve a new, enjoyable way of living, even in a pandemic.

Where I’m At Now…Stage 4

I still struggle with what risks I’m comfortable taking, especially as our area starts to open up again. Even as every day brings new changes I feel I’m getting better at rolling with those changes. Life is very different - we don’t plan beyond the next few weeks, every outing requires extra thought and precaution, and there is potentially more devastation coming our way - but I can handle it.

Life is different, and sometimes exhausting, but I can adapt and deal with it.

There’s space in my head now, for more than just survival. The worry and fear are still there, but they’re not overwhelming.

Partly because of how lucky we’ve been. My partner can work from home, he survived the first round of layoffs, we have savings to bolster us, and I’m here to help the kids with school. Honestly, we’re doing pretty damn good considering. So I can make space for more than just survival.

Not everyone is as lucky. We’re doing what we can to help, but it’s going to be very hard for so many people. It’s a very tough time for all of us - but definitely some more than others.

This is a new world we’re living in, along with the same old problems. It feels different and the past few months has helped me think differently. I, like so many of us, have been faced with the fact of my own mortality. If I haven’t been infected yet, what will happen when I am? Will I be one of the lucky ones or not?

Life feels more precious. I enjoy the time spent at home with my family so much more while also missing other loved ones. Life feels simpler and more focused on the things that matter.

I’ve discovered I’m stronger than I thought I was. This has been tough on my mental and emotional health, but I’m actually thriving. Humans are weird sometimes.

I’m also reminded that none of us are an island. We need each other. Sometimes we need to give and sometimes we need to receive help. None of us have been spared from this Pandemic.

Our lives are different right now, but we’re adaptable, sometimes too adaptable. But we can make it through this. We can adapt to this new situation that requires us to band together and help one another. It’s been a big challenge for everyone, but some more than others. We can get through it, but only if we’re willing to shut up, listen, and help one another.